confronting the monster

I have a pet, and his name is Jealousy. I dont care much for him, but he won't run away no matter how much I try to ignore him and make him feel unwanted. He's a pest and unfortunately grows no matter what kind of garbage I give him. Jealousy finds food even when I try to hide him away. I'm trying to teach him to obey...to be a good pet, and listen when I say "stop!" or "no!" but it is very difficult. I'm hoping in time he can be trained. I feel frustrated with Jealousy, but I also feel bad for him because he doesn't understand why he must not act this way.

Okay, Jealousy the Pet doesn't exist, but sometimes I wish it did so I could make excuses for it's behavior.
Have you ever felt happy for someone and upset for you at the same time?

Here's me. A little girl, obviously happy for her auntie or whoever it is, but jealous of her man's congratualtory kiss!

I'm so incredibly happy for some of my friends...I have one who just came home with her baby. HOME...with baby! Since I don't even have a referral, I can't really even picture it. Another friend, 2 months ahead of me, had her referral in less than 4 months, and about 3 months later is at court. She may be traveling in a few weeks! I hope to get a picture of our baby in a few weeks. There are others who I dont know well, who have referrals in 3 months and a few days. I remember thinking before my 3 month check in that I was SO CLOSE! Now, staring into the business end of our 4 month phone call, I am nervous of what I will hear.
This may make me seem like a bad person, but I really AM happy for these people.

When I was smack in the HUGENESS of pregnancy, I remember feeling jealous when people gave birth to their babies. I counted the days I had left, so anxious to be done and to have him.
But when I got to hold Cale for the first time, after the long pregnancy, and the painful C-section, I thought, how could I have complained? He is the most beautiful little baby I've ever seen, and INSTANTLY my trials turned into joy.
I know at the end of this process I will think and feel the same way.
Until then though, the Lord is going to have to get me through! And I know He will. Here are some awesome verses I found on the topic:
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride (Ec. 7:8).
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the body (Pr. 14:30).
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice (Js. 3:16).
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Th. 5:18).

I've decided I'm going to give Jealousy to God. He likes stray pets, right? :)

there's something missing...

So, we're in Ohio for Tim's brother's wedding. We arrived last night after a long car trip with a certain little boy who slept less than an hour the whole way... ho hum.
Anyway, the visit has been very nice. The rehearsal dinner was tonight and of course, tomorrow is the wedding. Cale has met a bunch of his extended family so far with more to come...
Tonight was fun and casual, the dinner was first, complete with a pizza buffet and lots of appetizers. Before desserts were allowed, David and his fiance Amber were instructed to introduce their families. David started with his parents, brother Jon (and kids), Renee (and kids) then Tim, Cale & I, after which we all dug into brownies & cookies. The rehearsal was short, which was nice (especially when you have 7 kids under 7 "hopped up" on sugar) and then we left.
As we drove back to his parents house, Tim and I were talking and I started telling him that even though we've been surrounded with adults and kids these past 2 days, I feel like there is someone missing. I count up the kids and I know the number is right, but I feel like a piece of the Family Puzzle not accounted for.
When you're adopting, it's not like you're visibly pregnant, so people don't ask you "how you're doing" or "when you're due"...and to be quite honest, we don't hear much at all sometimes. But we are PAPER pregnant! ;) We want to talk about our new baby and everything that details him!
Tonight Tim said "I feel like I should tell everyone, This is my wife Katie, my son Cale, and we're expecting a baby from Ethiopia" ;) He thought that might seem a little strange...haha. If people don't ask you, do you mention to them you're having a baby? I may have, but it's been awhile. Most people wait until they are 'sure' you're pregnant (and not just fat) to say something; but I'm not carrying Him in my belly, He's here in my heart, so how will they know?!
Tonight my niece Willow suggested I wear a name tag so she can remember me. She told me it should say "Aunt Katie, Cale's Mommy"...the more I think about it, the more it sounds like an excellent idea. I think I'll display it proudly, right over my heart and also add "Jace's Mommy (ask me about it)!" It may add up to a long name tag, but it just might work, and then I can feel like my "whole" family is accounted for. :)

expired coupon.

Today I went shopping with my friend at Kohls Department Store. A store I like, but tonight a store I loved. I loved Kohls tonight because I had a $10 coupon! Ten dollars off a ten dollar purchase. That's it...no other purchases required. No hidden tricks. I know this because I use to get this coupon in the mail for a few years running, but last year I didn't get it. I was disappointed, but THIS year, I got it. So I went to the store on a mission to find something that I just loved, but was still cheap, so that I would walk away with a really great deal! Well, I found it. It was a beautiful light-weight gray sweater. I could use it for a few chilly summer days and for fall & winter. Very flattering too. :)
Anyway, I get up to the cash register and she rings up my sweater...$13.20! I would only have to pay $3.20 after my coupon was processed. The cashier asks for the amount, and then I proudly present her with my coupon. It takes her a minute, but she looks at me and tells me that it expired on June 4. "What is today?" I asked. "June 5th" she tells me..."the coupon is expired." Expired? NO!!
I know this sounds crazy, but to me that feels like throwing away $10. I tell her to put back the sweater. She offers me 15% off if I use my Kohls charge card, but I say no, and I well up...I almost started to cry.
This probably sounds nuts to people reading this, and as I walked out without my sweater, I kinda felt nuts for almost having a meltdown because of it...but then, my thoughts raced to where this was stemming from:
I think my 'almost' hysterical behavior came from the thoughts that have been swimming in my head recently. The thoughts and the unanswered questions about my Baby. When can I anticipate seeing his face? Where are the referrals? No one has heard anything about baby referrals in more than a month. I feel so helpless just waiting and not knowing what I can do to make it go faster. Then I realize, I can do nothing. It is what it is. It's like my expired coupon. It feels like injustice, but I know deep down it is not. I know I'm not next in line for a referral, but I had hoped to hear something in June. Will we? We just don't know. People ask me what is going on with the adoption, and I just don't know. I can't explain to them what I don't know. I'm waiting, but in the process I often well up, about to cry. I long for this Baby. I long for you, Jace.

for Jace

This past weekend we had our huge Garage Sale for Jace! Many of our friends donated their unused stuff to us to sell. We had a great turnout both days with wonderful weather! I feel like I've been living in my garage the past 2 weeks (sorting, pricing, setting up, tearing down, boxing). It's crazy! Even now, I spending time in the garage. A good friend of mine has offered to have a sale at her house to sell the things that didn't go. This is wonderful because she lives in a different city and her house is located right off a main road. I'm anticipating much more traffic there! We're hoping the sale there in July goes as well or better than this past one! The Lord has truly blessed us and I want everyone to know He has been protecting us during this economy, making it even possible to adopt! He is AWESOME!

3 months

Well, it's been 3 months and 5 days that we've been waiting for Jace. I called and emailed for my check-in and got some news, good and bad. Good that referrals should FINALLY be going out in the next few days, bad that we probably won't be on that list to receive one quite yet. The hope is by the end of June. It's so crazy how each referral timeline is different. I know someone who waited 5 months for a baby boy, and another 3 months and 2 days. I am still praying we get our referral before we leave for Ohio to visit Tim's family. On the surface it seems unlikely, but God can do BIG things...He knows our little guy and wants us to be together EVEN MORE than we do (which is ALOT)! I will of course, be thrilled to make the announcement, but in the meantime I need to trust God's timing. His thoughts are better than my thoughts and his ways better than my ways.

train ride

Here's another good analogy for adoption (specifically the referral part):
Perhaps waiting for a referral is like waiting in line for the biggest, best ride in the coolest theme park around. You see the ride, and you're a little intimidated, but after much thought, passing it by as you go on other rides, you decide, "Yes, I'm gonna ride it!" You have all kinds of ambition, and energy at first because you just can't wait to get to the end of the line and hop on! You look at the outside of the line and think it's not too bad, but as you go on, you realized that there was more ahead of you than you could see, and you start to get impatient. WHEN are we going to get on?
Tim and I had almost this exact experiece this past Monday. We went to Blackberry Farm, which is a kind-of Pioneer Village here in Aurora. We paid the admission and then realized that this particular place was for children of slightly older ages who may have enjoyed it better. BUT...there was a choo-choo train that took a trip around the farm, and it was included in the price. :) The line was long, but it didn't look TOO daunting. We waited and waited and then finally got "near" the front...or so we thought. Turns out, just when you get to what you THINK is the end; the corner turns and there is more line. Lots more line. At this point I feel like we've waited long enough, but we've come so far in the line, we have to stick it out. I tried my best to calculate how many more trains would come and go before we get on, getting upset at empty seats I saw, and the people who "jumped" in line ahead of us because someone was holding their spot (and what could I do?) only to realize it doesn't matter. It would be our turn eventually.
Waiting for our referral feels like this. I feel like the train of referrals is due to arrive soon and take some of us on-board, but I dont know if I'll make that one, or I'll have to wait for another one to come, or one after that! It's frustrating. I see the train coming, and I'm ready, but I don't know if it's my turn yet.
I guess I just need to remember that this IS the biggest, best ride around; and once I get on that train, it'll be worth it. Hopefully soon I'll get to pass that line of people waiting, and say "it's worth it!...hang in there! Your train is right around the corner!"
That'll be awesome. So, hurry up train, I'M READY!!

another adoptive family

Tonight I was "working" (I do childcare at local churches) as usual, and about 1/2 way through our night, we had a mother come in with her little boy. She decided to stay with him, and I realized why. He had a vision problem. He was an adorable little Oriental boy, 3 years old. The mom was Caucasian, and I hated to 'assume' but I had a feeling he was adopted. I really wanted to talk to her, but I didn't want it to be awkward for her. ANYWAY, the Lord gave me a perfect opportunity, when she asked how many children I had. Cale was there, so I pointed him out, and then I told her we were adopting from Ethiopia. And the conversation took off! :)
It really was so nice to hear her story (her little boy was on the waiting list and they just fell in love with him), and get advice from her. They just brought their son home this past October, so everything is really fresh for her.
All this to say, that I think it's wonderful to meet and get to know other families who have adopted! This church (not my home church) has many many families who look like they adopted (again, I'm not positive), and I'd love to just strike up a conversation with them out of the blue, but I dont want to offend anyone.
Is there a magic way I can do this that anyone knows of? I'd love to know!
Either way though, tonight was very encouraging to me. Thank you Lord.