we're at number 6

six months. we're still waiting.
okay, i won't get into how depressing it is to still be in the same position we have been for months, (i'm sure you can sense the mood ;)
so i'll tell you about our 6 month check-in.
i called one of our agency directors and she told me that they are giving referrals to families with their dossiers in mid-feb (which i knew). she said there were many families in feb (which i knew), some waiting for sibs, some waiting for girls and others for boys. it seemed like she was mentioning many families, but when i asked her the number, she totaled 10. after a LITTLE bit of coaxing, to which she stated isn't always definite (because the list is "fluid"), i am number 6.
hm...it seems weird to me that i'm number six, because i feel like i was number 6, like 1-2 months ago. perhaps many people are switching from a girl request to a boy.
anyway, she said that she thinks i have another 1, possibly 2 months left.
i emailed our agency director (another women), who had recently been in Ethiopia with this inquiry:
Hi,
I wanted to write in for my 6 month update. ((DTE 2.27.09 b/g)) I understand that referrals for baby boys are now going to February families. Would it be possible to know how many families are waiting in line in front of me? Am I nearing the top of the list yet? Hopefully soon! Would it be a safe bet to anticipate a referral in a month or so or is that too ambitious?
Also, one more question for you:
You mentioned (as well as traveling families) that there are many new baby girls coming into care, but could you tell me if there are any new baby boys?
Any infowould of corse, be much appreciated!
and her response:
Yes, we do have some new baby boys in care. It is not likely that yours is at Layla yet, but it won’t be long. There are still 4 to 6 families ahead of you but as I say, more babies are arriving and we should be calling you this fall.
that's all the info i have. i'd love it i had more to share, but i can't be grasping at straws anymore, it doesn't get me anywhere.
here's to a busy fall that'll get me through another month or two of waiting!

beastly

yes, it's BEASTLY...beastly hot.
doesn't that phrase just say it all?
this past weekend's weather has been like a beast.
an uninvited guest.
now, i should start this post off by saying that i am SO grateful that we have a house...I AM! and that i ADORE this house, but if there was one thing, in this moment i would fix, well, that would be our air conditioning.
we were told when we moved in last september that the air conditioning and heating system worked fine. well, not having to use the air, we took it as fact. i guess i should have suspected something may not be correct with the whole system when we had to up and get a new furnace last winter...but we didn't really get around to trying the air.
this summer has been fairly cool, and we are trying to save money, so we haven't used the air, and up until this past week (where i've had to walk around in my underwear)i hadn't been dying for it. but i'd love some cool air now.
apparently the compressor or something doesn't work correctly, and it'd be like $2000 to fix? no can do.
guess what? i can honestly say...i miss winter. it's totally true. i love the 4 seasons and right now i be so happy for a chilly day where we need to stay inside and bundle up.
ahhh. perhaps if i imagine it, snow will appear to cool down the house.
wait for it...wait for it...........................
nope. still hot.
you know, i didn't grow up with air conditioning, and we only had central air in but one of our 4 previous rental places, so i should be used to it. and i normally am, but the beast is out this week. tim has noticed that i'm not-so-pleasant when i'm hot. i actually have to agree with him. i didn't it was true, but yesterday after we came home from church and were just sitting around in front of the fan, i was not a big fan of anything, but as soon as we got into the car with the cool air blasting on my face, my mood instantly lifted! haha. what do you know?
oh man, i think of my poor baby (if he's born yet) in ET. is he a sweaty little mess like his big brother cale? i wonder if it's that hot over there right now? i'm sure it gets beastly hot over there too. poor guy.
cale sweats like a full-grown man. he's a stinky little thing. he even has a buzz cut for the summer, but still...even walking around in his diaper he's dripping sweat. i wonder if this weather has started his obsession with fans? you know, he can play with a fan for hours. and i dont mean that he sticks his fingers in them or anything (i'm watching him), but all day long he turns them off and on "fan off? fan on? fan on low. fan on high. big fan, little fan"...etc)
what would we do without fans? i know my mom says fans just "blow the hot air around" but i think they're a Godsend for days like this. we all 3 sleep with them year round, but that's mainly for the noise. i can't imagine if one broke! i know i'd instantly go out and get another.
funny story. i went to a garage sale with cale. a bunch of assorted stuff, and while there were other little kiddies there playing with toys, my son spotted something gray. a little box fan the size of a cheeze it box (one of my favs). he grabbed it as if it was the toy of the century, and tried to march out to our car with it. when i told him we didn't need a fan...whoa! he was not happy! what a crazy little man! i must say, if i had the extra cash i probably would have gotten it for him, but we really dont NEED another fan right now. i think we have at least 4.
well, i'm going to close. what a random post. i guess while we're waiting for our referral (and no new news is coming our way), you'll be reading alot more blog posts about randomness.
that's it. a blog about the ugly weather.

get off the pot...

...the pity pot.
i have been sitting on it for quite some time, and must be completely honest in saying that i haven't (until now) noticed that perhaps it was affecting other people negatively. this blog has been my outlet for my grumblings, so that in real life i would remain a "normal" person, but i in no way intended it to be a soley a source of negative feelings. as i read over my posts, i look at them as whitty and sarcastic (of which i am both on a regular basis...lol) BUT i've failed to notice that my posts might actually be biting to others who are experiencing joy in their adoption processes. not that i'm not, it's just hard.
it was a really tough thing too when i was trying to get pregnant. i have fertility issues, so it was difficult for me to see others who were able to get pregnant without any problems. that may sound like a bizarre comparison, but it really has been how i've equated my behavior.
it's not like i'm not happy for others, it's just that i've been having a hard time showing it.
so here it is folks...i'm going to get off. and flush.
flush away the negative feelings towards our wait and the jealousy i've unjustly felt toward others whose process was perhaps, smoother or less stressful financially.
my charming husband challenged our congregation with a wonderful message today about following Christ's example.
the last point is really what got to me.
the thought is based on understanding that God gives us what we have. He CHOOSES who gets more wealth, fame, fortune, looks, etc. he chooses our (man-made) "luckiness" and who are we to question why? that struck me today as a revelation. thinking to myself, why would i ever complain about my situation? i have no right to! God has been wonderful to me and my family, and i need to start "rejoicing with those who rejoice!"
though i won't go back and erase all the posts i wrote that sound bitter, i will say that through this adoption experience (even blogging) i've been taught so much about myself and been forced to grow in ways i didn't think possible.

so, to end this, i must say congrats to all who have gotten referrals, congrats to those who've passed court recently, and a HUGE congrats to those who will get to travel soon.

one last thing. i'm going to need help with this. since it seems as though there are alot of people who read this blog (which is awesome!), please let me know if i'm straying back to my 'cynical' attitude. i have a tendency to do that, so i'd love (well, not exactly LOVE), but i need to be called out on it. THANKS!

a mad woman

alright...i'm not sure what has come over me in the past few days or so, but i have been cleaning/rearranging/organizing/decluttering like a MAD WOMAN! i'm not sure if i decided one day to FINALLY put away something when i saw it, instead of just looking at it, but it has set off an organization bomb in my house! check out the things i've accomplished in the past 3 days:
~went through all my recipes and threw out ones i didn't like/use, and orgainzed the ones i had into categories.
~organized ALL my pictures into photo albums (yes...i've had a gigantic tub of pictures just sitting around for YEARS...i mean it, years! i kept holding on to them because i thought i'd one day i'd get bitten by the creative bug and would want to do some scrapbooking, but who am i kidding?!) i've had seriously like 6 -8 empty photo albums just sitting around waiting to have pictures in them, so i finally did it! i'm shocked! it only took me a whole day! haha. actually, it was a fun trip down memory lane.
~went through ALL of cale's old baby clothes and organized them in tubs labeled with the sizes and the seasons that he wore them. there are now like 8 tubs full. okay, i had MOST of the clothes thrown in tubs already, but they were not organized, and they certaintly were not orderly. now they are, and i'm very excited to have another boy. looking at some of those clothes i'd NEVER believe cale fit into them if i hadn't previously seen pictures...haha!
~de-cluttered our table, counters and bookshelves which was a GIGANTIC feat, let me tell you. you wouldn't think that it would be hard to just do it, but i was having such a hard time getting started. i took the leap though, and it's sooo much more stress-free! (alas, it's an every day battle, but at least now i'm winning!)
~dishes...i do them when they are there. honest! there hasn't been a load backed up in days!
~i painted a little mural of 2 elephants in our baby's room. yes. i've decided to get it ready. there's no point in "waiting" until the perfect time, because i NEED to see some evidence that the room will be filled someday with my chocolate man. i've also taken out cale's old curtains, washed, ironed and hung them up. (that room still needs LOTS of help. it's definitely the room everything gets thrown into.) when we get our referral, the room will be ready!
~FINALLY bought curtains that actually fit the windows in our room, and moved the "too-small" curtains downstairs where they look LOVELY! yes. this is a project i started 1 year ago. it's truely embarressing to look and see the way we've been living. ;)
~bought shower drain hair catchers. yes...another small thing that i've wanted to do for so long! and lets be honest, it's not like they're expensive! less than $2 a peice. saves me SO much time in the shower, because i know my hair will be caught, and saves us $$$ because we shouldn't have to buy drano anymore!!
~made cookies. and TONS of them. now, i haven't necessarily been waiting for any specific time to do this, but because i was inspired by going through old recipes i hadn't seen in awhile, i just got going. i started with a double batch of banana bread, and then went on to the cookies, and i'm having a hard time stopping. i've made chocolate sugar cookies, ginger cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and today, peanut butter cookies. it's INSANE! it's like a cookie world here!! thank goodness for a big freezer.
~re-arranged cale's room to make things fit better. again, something that just came to me as i was planning out where things will go when we get him out of a crib (our goal is by Labor Day - which should be okay because last night he slept in his "big boy bed" until 5am)...motivated by finally organizing the baby's room.
~organized our downstairs closet. that was a hot mess! things were just thrown in there. i can't imagine how i remembered where anything was on a given basis. now it is much better. NOT the best. i would certaintly love some extra cash flow to get some better organization, but for now, it's workable.

how? why? where did you get the time?
well, i'm going to be COMPLETELY honest and tell you why i THINK this all has transpired. i've truly been inspired after going to LIFT camp with Tim (and the teens) this summer. The speakers are always so so wonderful. This year they had a guy who just flat-out, told us how to grow in your spiritual walk with the Lord. I've ALWAYS ALWAYS heard to do it, and i very much wanted to...but i lacked the proper instruction. i think i was spending too much time making myself feel bad for the certain amount of time spent, or passages read, etc. This guy, who i'll now always remember just said that he chose a time during the day, locked himself in his room and spent time with the Lord for at least 1/2 hour. his time was at 9pm. he said to do 5 things in this order:
PRAY, READ, THINK, WRITE, DO.
that's totally do-able, and it made so much sense. it didn't have to be a chapter here, or a book there, but that we were praying to be taught something that day. it could be one verse even!
my time is 2pm, this gives me adequate time to put cale down and "relax" while he falls asleep. at 2, he is usually asleep and it still gives me plenty of time afterwards to do things.
i have to say, i haven't done it every day. if i miss my 2pm appointment, i often times do a 10 or 11pm (same sort of reason).
with that, i've felt like God is really showing me things, when i let him.
it's really sad to say, but i've been WASTING so much time on my email, waiting/hoping for news, and trying to pass the time with stupid things like games on the Xbox or watching shows i had recorded...things that alot of times, i've already seen.
i feel so much more accomplished and encouraged these days! i hope it continues. i know there won't be a lack of things to do. i have an every-day growing list of things i'd love to see done. many of these things need to wait because of finances, but i can do the others until that time.
so...i write this as inspiration. get busy doing something. you'll feel great!