Today I went shopping with my friend at Kohls Department Store. A store I like, but tonight a store I loved. I loved Kohls tonight because I had a $10 coupon! Ten dollars off a ten dollar purchase. That's it...no other purchases required. No hidden tricks. I know this because I use to get this coupon in the mail for a few years running, but last year I didn't get it. I was disappointed, but THIS year, I got it. So I went to the store on a mission to find something that I just loved, but was still cheap, so that I would walk away with a really great deal! Well, I found it. It was a beautiful light-weight gray sweater. I could use it for a few chilly summer days and for fall & winter. Very flattering too. :)
Anyway, I get up to the cash register and she rings up my sweater...$13.20! I would only have to pay $3.20 after my coupon was processed. The cashier asks for the amount, and then I proudly present her with my coupon. It takes her a minute, but she looks at me and tells me that it expired on June 4. "What is today?" I asked. "June 5th" she tells me..."the coupon is expired." Expired? NO!!
I know this sounds crazy, but to me that feels like throwing away $10. I tell her to put back the sweater. She offers me 15% off if I use my Kohls charge card, but I say no, and I well up...I almost started to cry.
This probably sounds nuts to people reading this, and as I walked out without my sweater, I kinda felt nuts for almost having a meltdown because of it...but then, my thoughts raced to where this was stemming from:
I think my 'almost' hysterical behavior came from the thoughts that have been swimming in my head recently. The thoughts and the unanswered questions about my Baby. When can I anticipate seeing his face? Where are the referrals? No one has heard anything about baby referrals in more than a month. I feel so helpless just waiting and not knowing what I can do to make it go faster. Then I realize, I can do nothing. It is what it is. It's like my expired coupon. It feels like injustice, but I know deep down it is not. I know I'm not next in line for a referral, but I had hoped to hear something in June. Will we? We just don't know. People ask me what is going on with the adoption, and I just don't know. I can't explain to them what I don't know. I'm waiting, but in the process I often well up, about to cry. I long for this Baby. I long for you, Jace.
3 comments:
Katie I know exactly how you feel!! I went to the DMV when we were pretty early in the process to change my maiden name to my married name(yeah...we'd been married 7 years and I still hadn't done it...). I though it would help simplify the process with all of the paperwork and stuff if we both had the same last name. So I went to social security and did it no problem. Then I got a babysitter, drove all the way to the DMV. But when I got there they told me I had the wrong kind of marriage cert. I asked to see a manager who told me the same thing. I totally welled up and could hardly make it out of the place(AND tripped on the curb on my way) before I started sobbing. I'm sure I was just so emotional about that because it had so much to do with the adoption - indirectly. I just felt like someone was saying - no you cannot bring your baby home, even though it had nothing to do with that! So I completely empathize and sympathize with you!
Hugs and hugs for you!
Hi Katie! I've had many of embarrassing public cries myself (my masterpiece cry was in Target)... you're not crazy! If you go through my older blog posts from this past winter/spring before we got Noemi's referral, you'll see how dark and wilderness wandering it all felt. And once you have a referral, you just have a specific face to cry over. I do take comfort knowing that we are all in this same, rocky boat together! In a year, this time will be so far behind us! You're not alone...all of us adoptive moms are nuts. :)
love and prayers, Julie
I can totally relate to you. I told Brian today that I feel like a Jenga game and with ever new disappointment another piece of me goes missing. I feel like I am barely able to keep it together at times. My emotions are so close to the surface that at any moment I could start to cry.
One of the things that I did while I waited for our referral was to pray for our baby and his parents. I know you are probably doing that already, but if by chance you are not it helped me. I felt closer to him and I felt like I was doing something for him.
I know this part is hard, but soon you will know who you are waiting for. God's timing is perfect, that is what I keep reminding myself. I actually have had to remind myself of that a lot lately. We wait for the child that God has for us, your baby will come to you, and it will be perfect when it happens.
Love and Blessings!
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